Dear Etty,

I recently attended a meeting to plan an upcoming fund-raising event. After several participants talked over the person trying to speak, the chairperson asked that we raise our hands. A few people continued to interrupt. I noticed that several participants stopped talking. I am sure they left feeling unheard. How do we deal ethically with people who ignore meeting guidelines? How about a bop on the head?

Oblivious

Dear O,

If our goal is to shut down other participants through interruption, shouting, or belittling views, these approaches work. We attend meetings with a variety of expectations and emotional baggage. Some want to accomplish the meeting’s stated goal as efficiently as possible. Others want understanding, respect, or appreciation. Still others hope for fun, connection, or closeness. If the meeting does not satisfy our expectations, we are likely to be disappointed. Emotional baggage may include apprehension about possible conflict or stress from our daily lives that will likely interfere with our ability to enjoy each other.

What if the chairperson opened the meeting in the following manner?

“Welcome. The purpose of this meeting is to plan an upcoming fundraiser. We come with a variety of expectations and emotions. Nevertheless, as social beings, our ultimate goal is connection. Therefore, I ask that you inhale and deeply breathe out any anger, resentment, or stress .... Let’s inhale and exhale three times. By raising your hand to speak and by listening to each other with respect, we agree to treat each other as persons of worth. I promise to recognize you and give each of you a chance to talk. Let’s begin.”

I am not suggesting that we ignore our passion. Gentle reminders and breaks to regain composure often help should participants ignore the agreed-upon procedures. Connection occurs from willing behavior … and not through a bop on the head.

Etty