Dear Etty, 

I recently contacted another volunteer who was coordinating an activity.  When I began mentioning specific aspects that he might not have considered, he suggested I should do whatever I thought was appropriate.  At that moment, what I thought was appropriate was to wring his neck.  

Fed Up 

Dear Fed, 

I hear your frustration.  Despite your good intentions, you felt rebuffed.  Most likely, the other person also felt upset.  Unfortunately, stressful situations bring out our best and worst.  We are anxious for things to go right and we are sensitive to perceived slights.   

Let’s peek behind your conversation. 

What you said, “I am calling to mention aspects of an upcoming activity that you may not have considered.”  What he heard, She is calling to point out my shortcomings.  What he said, “Do whatever you think is appropriate.”  What you heard, Buzz off.  No wonder you were both displeased.  Neither of you revealed your level of anxiety nor received what you needed – support, encouragement, and appreciation.  Could you have requested and received empathy?    

   “Hi.  I am so glad that you are the coordinator. I know it will be a lot of fun.   Do you have time to talk about this event?”   

   “Sure, what’s up?” 

   “I am anxious that things go well.  Perhaps I could mention some aspects where I might be able to help.”   

   “Thanks for calling.  I too am anxious about a couple of tasks where I may need some support.” 

Etty