Dear Etty, 

What does an ethical society member do when another member’s behavior is bothering her?  In particular, how can I open a conversation with the member to help both of us reach our personal best? 

Fending Off Jerks 

Dear FOJ, 

When someone behaves in a manner that is annoying, my tendency is to pretend that I am not offended, escape from the conversation, or become combative.  Would these actions contribute to bringing out the best in others and thereby bringing out our best?    What if we acted with empathy to try to engage the person? While empathy is defined as the ability to identify with and understand somebody else’s feelings or difficulties, I believe that empathetic behavior takes into account your feelings, needs, and requests, and the other person’s feelings and needs.  How would that work when you find someone’s behavior irksome or downright rude? 

Frank    There you are, Etty.  The person who knows it all.

Etty      Your greeting surprises me.  Why do you think I know it all?       

Frank    Because you write an advice column.

Etty      When you say I know it all, I feel hurt.  I wonder if you are angry with me.  

Frank    I’m not angry with you.  I just thought it was a funny remark.

Etty      Are you annoyed with me?

Frank   Well, maybe I do feel a bit annoyed. You always seem to be so self-assured.

Etty      I can understand how you would feel annoyed if you think I am smug. I too     struggle at times in knowing how to talk with some people. One thing I try to do is consider feelings and needs.  Right now, I have a need to check in with you.  Are you still feeling annoyed? 

Frank   Not any more.  But, I am unsure about how to greet you. 

Etty      Now that you know it hurts me when you make a joke at my expense, perhaps

you can begin a conversation by just saying, ‘Hi, how are you today.  Would that work

for you?

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Barbara   Why can’t you control that child?

Etty          He did yell once during Platform.  I am guessing that when he yelled you felt anxious that some people in the audience may have become uncomfortable.          

Barbara    That is exactly how I was feeling.  I like orderly Platforms without anyone becoming embarrassed.     

Etty           I hear your concern that when my son yelled, he upset your need for

orderliness.  If he had continued to yell, I was prepared to take him outside.  I would

feel much more connected with you if you knew why it is so important for me to bring

him to Platform.  Can I explain?

Barbara     Sure, I am interested.

Etty           By having him attend, I feel like the Society is flexible enough to want me

with my family.  Are you feeling a bit less anxious now?       

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Bob   I can’t stop looking at you.  How about going to a motel, cutie? 

Etty   Drop dead, jerk!  Oops!  I meant to say that I am feeling annoyed by your

language.  I need to feel comfortable attending Platform. Would you acknowledge that

you heard me tell you I am feeling uncomfortable with the way you approached me?

 Etty

Are you feeling uncertain about an ethical quandary?  Send an e-mail to steamer64@cox.net