Dear Etty, 

A fellow volunteer repeatedly told me how I should perform a project.  I finally snapped and told her to handle the project herself.  She advised me that she is too busy and that I could finish it my way “if that is what is required to complete the project.”  What do you think? 

Sorry Volunteer 

Dear SV, 

No matter how politely disguised, we generally resent demands because they are received as ‘take it or leave it’ ultimatums that offer no room for our input and diminish our worth.  Unlike a demand, a request welcomes our reaction.  By the way, we are more likely to have requests well received if we describe our feelings and needs, consider the feelings and needs of the other person, and avoid judgmental language.  Consider the following examples:

(1) You really should get here early Monday morning so we can see each other before the crowd arrives.  I expect to see you by 8:00 a.m.  Don’t disappoint me because I so enjoy our time together.  (2) I am feeling sad because I miss spending time with you. Could you come Monday morning before the crowd arrives at 10:00 a.m. so we can have some quiet time to reconnect?  I know how much you like to sleep late so if Monday morning is not possible, I would appreciate hearing suggestions for when we can visit for an hour or two.   

Another aspect involves your reaction to your colleague’s demands.  By telling her to take over the project, you essentially made your own ‘drop dead’ demand.  Perhaps you could view this experience as an opportunity to build (rather than end) a relationship.  Think about letting her know that you are experiencing her suggestions as demands.  Explain that you prefer receiving requests.   

                      Etty

Are you feeling uncertain about an ethical quandary?  Send an e-mail to steamer64@cox.net